I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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