I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
