mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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