Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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