thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
