you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I could make wine with my vomit
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
