Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
