So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
