i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
