Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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