I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
