it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
