we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
