My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
