This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
