Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
