I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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