Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
being pregnant is like rehab
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize