He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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