you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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