Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
