No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
