I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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