Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
