oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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