I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
