Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
