Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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