I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize