My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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