The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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