do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
