3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
