I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
