I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
