Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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