I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
