I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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