i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She bit a glass in half.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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