I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
