How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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