Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
