If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
