My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
