hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
