i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
