He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
