24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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