Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
