the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
