she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
