BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
