my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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