OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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