I just cut my nipple shaving
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
