I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
