Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
